| Harlequin's Death by Pablo Picasso* |
How many of you have watched someone die or spent time with someone who is dying? I have , and my impression is very similar to that of Kerry Egan, a hospice chaplain in this PBS interview.
In fact, I've been saying for years now that Hollywood has been doing us a huge disservice by always showing deathbed scenes that are full of drama, with tearful interactions and powerful life-changing epiphanies. It’s a big problem because it leads people to have certain expectations that just aren’t going to be met (in our family we even have an example of someone being so shocked at the state of a parent near the end that it caused a family fight—they were expecting much more awareness and interaction.) From my experience, because dying is mostly a long, drawn-out experience, the final days and interactions are much more mundane, and dramatic final words are hard to come by (it’s often hard to speak near the end). Kerry Egan even uses the same examples from Hollywood that I use when I talk about where people are getting their mistaken ideas about deathbed scenes:
“I suspect they’re coming from a sort of Hollywood movie or television idea of what dying should be like, clean, calm, bizarrely romantic, always with the good sense to close your eyes before taking a long sigh and limply tossing your head to the side, and beautiful, urgent, life-altering utterances.”
She states that in reality it is nothing like that, saying, "Honestly, most of the last words I have heard are so mundane, I can’t even give an example."
I do remember the last word my mother said to me. After I reassured her that everything was fine and that we were all present, she just said, “Lovely.” I’m sure that’s all she could manage. And it was so like her to be that polite, even while she was dying! I actually treasure that because it’s sort of humorous at the same time it is touching. Still, at the time I didn't know it was her last word (to me). And because I wasn’t with her 24/7, I have no idea what her real last spoken words were. I do know when she actually died a few days later, there were no words at all, just some moaning (possibly death throes?).
So Kerry Egan recommends that you do not save anything important up for some imagined scene when you’re dying.
“If you had something so important to tell your loved ones that you feel the need to plan out what to say, then why would you wait to say it? If it’s so important that you’re worried about it now, then say it now. Ask for forgiveness now. Say you love someone now. Share whatever wisdom you have with the world right now.”
But Ms. Egan doesn’t discuss the other side of the equation, which is the way I have been thinking about it. Her advice was to people who were thinking about their own death and what they should say at the last minute. My thoughts have been about those who are spending time someone who is dying. So I want to say: don’t wait to say what you have to say. After all, there is no such thing as saying “I love you” too early—you can always say it again and again later on. And try to let go of any romantic ideas about deathbed scenes so you won’t feel like you’ve missed out on something important. If a precious hand squeeze is the last thing you get, treasure it.
"Truthfulness includes practicing honesty in action, speech, and thought. Lying or misleading others is a form of harm because it violates the trust others have in us. And so many of the conflicts between us, including violence, are the result of keeping secrets and then telling lies to cover them up. So like practicing non-violence, practicing truthfulness helps foster both inner peace and reduces conflicts in your relationships. However, because ahimsa is foremost yama, you always need to consider non-harming when you practice truthfulness. Use compassion when you speak and aim to cause the least harm possible, even remaining silent if necessary.
Satya also means “real,” “genuine, “ “honest,” and “virtuous.” One meaning for being “real” is that you see the true nature of realty and that you communicate that honestly, rather than clinging to how you wish the world would be or telling people what they want to hear. "
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